Every year on Thanksgiving it’s the same thing. I cook. Lots of family come over. My nerves get frayed. The stress builds up. I yell at my mother because she wants to take a family photo just as the food comes out. I black out. Wake up a week later. Wonder why a turkey giblet’s lodged in my ear canal.
But not this year. Even though I have roughly 1,700 family members coming over — and my house only seats two! — I’ve developed a Thanksgiving recipe for a calm, Zen-like day that will alleviate stress and make it enjoyable for all.
Here are a few steps you might want to try, too:
? Put on cooking apron before scalding hot turkey grease spills down new dress shirt. In fact, why cook in dress clothes at all? Maybe this year I’ll go au naturel in the kitchen. Relaxing, quicker cleanup and much cooler.
? When guests arrive, don’t say, “Hi. Happy Thanksgiving. Great to see you. I love you. How’ve you been? Kissie, kissie. Smoochie, smoochie … Now get the hell out of my kitchen!” That just sends the wrong vibe. Sure, everyone wants to come in and poke around. And sure, I could chase them off with salmonella-laced instruments. But is that the Thanksgiving spirit?
? Eat the pecan pie before dinner. In fact, eat the pecan pie before anyone even knows there’s pecan pie. Relaxation begins with a full belly.
? Watch the parade with my daughter. Not out of the corner of my eye. Not while I’m worrying about the turkey. Not while I’m turning gravy into plywood. No, sit down on the sofa, forget about the kitchen and enjoy Snoopy, the Rockettes and parade floats full of lip-syncing pop stars I’ve never heard of.
? When dinner is ready, avoid yelling at people to start eating. Ever do this? Like a drill sergeant? “People, it’s ready! Eat It … Now! It will be hot for 13 seconds. Don’t savor. Gulp it down, peasants! Now, Now, Now!”
It sounds like evacuating a sinking ship: “Grab a life vest! Jump!”
Take a different tact. Be peaceful. Be civil. I’m going to call people “dearly beloved” and use a voice that sounds like I’m either medicated or have joined a new age cult that worships alien sponges.
? Most of all, make sure to give thanks. In the whirlwind and the hoopla, it’s the one thing I forget every year. That I never have time for. That’s a sad irony, isn’t it? This year I need to take a moment to look around, appreciate all I have, and truly be thankful. Besides, if I’m standing there buck-naked eating pecan pie and pondering how a giblet got in my ear, it can’t be all that bad!