“Defibrillator!” I yelled. “Someone run inside and get a defibrillator! It’s just too beautiful out here.”
My family scrambled, searching for something that would help. My wife finally rushed outside with a turkey baster and an electric mixer. “We don’t have a defibrillator,” she cried. “How about a 9-volt battery?”
In a fit of panic, she wrapped her arms around my waist and gave me the Heimlich. It was just enough to snap me back to my senses. To help me survive the gorgeous fall morning that had been a shock to my unprepared Florida system.
I had walked outside that early morning to get the newspaper. Immediately I knew something was wrong.
“What’s happening?!?” I asked myself. “No sweat dripping off my forehead. No 400 percent humidity. Toes tingling! Goose bumps up and down my arms! Drunken smile across my face!
“Oh no!” I screamed. “I’m having a heart attack … or it’s really fall!”
I think it’s really fall.
Isn’t it? The most glorious mornings. Sweltering heat mysteriously gone. No need to drink swimming pool-sized water bottles. The air is soothing and refreshing — not like fire on your skin.
It really is here. Summer is done.
But you have to be careful, fellow Floridians. Remember: We’re not used to this. As with anything, you have to pace yourself. You have to go slow and get acclimated. Like northerners who worry about surviving the heat of a Florida summer, we have to take seriously the dangerous, and even deadly, effects of fall.
Like electric bill shock. This is a very real danger. I have seen no studies on this, but I know it afflicts thousands of Floridians. It will happen later in October, or even early November. You will open up your electric bill, look at the amount and spontaneously combust when you see it isn’t laden with extra zeroes from your AC running non-stop all month.
If the government won’t issue this advice, I will: Be smart when you open your power bill. Sit down, or brace yourself against a wall. Sometimes I duct tape myself to a piece of furniture so if I faint, I won’t fall and hit my head. Have someone there to verify it. Or to keep you from doing something crazy. Many Floridians have been known to run out into the street screaming “I’m rich!” and dancing. DON’T! This is the third highest cause of injuries this time of year, especially for Floridians who live near interstates.
Watch out for signs of the Catatonic Fall Walkabout (CFW.) This little known condition is when you get the urge to go out into the cool, fresh air and take a stroll. Only the cool, fresh air lulls you into this zombie-like state. It causes you to walk around mumbling things like, “ear lobes … feel … brisk” or “must … take … off … shorts.” You walk for miles. You forget where you live. You never want to go home. Or to work.
Some have been known to go for weeks like this. One Florida man was picked up in Vermont still wearing his pajamas and talking incoherently about multi-colored leaves and how his underwear no longer bunches up.
For goodness sake, use extreme caution if opening windows. The number of Floridians who throw out backs because they wanted some fresh air in the house is astounding. Many don’t realize their windows are painted shut, or were never meant to be opened. (Who thought a Floridian in their right mind would ever want to do such a thing?)
So we strain and jerk and groan until we topple over on the floor, exhausted, defeated and sometimes broken. Be smart and do what I do: Ask your child, or maybe a neighbor you don’t like, to help you.
Fall is what we wait all year for in Florida. The heat breaks, the breezes get chilly and we even consider wearing something besides flip-flops. Crazy! But people, be careful. Be prepared for fall. Follow my life-saving tips, and make sure to charge up the defibrillator. You never know if one morning on the way to get the newspaper you might need it.