2021 Nutshells – Nutshellcity.com

2021 Nutshells, Getting old ... er ... older, Parenthood and Children

Happy birthday to the not-so-little one

December 25, 2021 No Comments

Happy birthday, little one!

Nope … hold on … something’s not right …

Happy birthday, kid!

No, check that …

Let’s try: Happy birthday, short stack!

That’s definitely not it. She’s almost as tall as me.

Maybe: Little missy? Or Strawberry shortcake? Wee widdle one? Precious peanut? Ye’ who spent all my money on diapers? Baby boo-boo?

Oh, no. None of them are right. None of them work for a daughter who turned 16 today. Sixteen! Can you imagine such a thing? About the only one that works – the only possible option! – is the unthinkable one. The one I can’t fathom saying. The one that curdles the lips and twists the tongue into knots. It will crumple my soul to hear it out loud. Can I even say it, this crime upon the ears?

2021 Nutshells, Holidays, Houses, yards and projects

The Christmas break house project extravaganza

December 20, 2021 No Comments

Yeah! Sit around. Do nothing. Start the day with mimosas and a good book in bed. By myself! Yeah!

When I ended up with a bunch of unused vacation days at the end of the year, it seemed like magic. A gift. Like being a kid at the arcade. When you won a whole bunch of tickets in Skee-ball and went to the gift shop to redeem them. “Look at all the possibilities for them to rip me off!” Troll dolls. Gummy worms. Water pistols. Cheap plastic Army men with parachutes that don’t work. And lots of other things your mom will quickly round up and throw away. The world is magical! How can there be this much joy?

This was how I was feeling about my week off at home.

But we all know the myth about that. How quickly reality sets it, and the time off becomes something else entirely. Because while I might dream of lounging around and reading and working on my Skee-ball skills at some grungy arcade, the truth is my week got filled up with … house projects!

EGAD!!!

I did it to myself. No one else to blame. I front-loaded my time by taking on all manner of things I had pushed off for months. Even years.

2021 Nutshells, Health

Accepting the Internet’s challenge for a better me

December 9, 2021 No Comments

I love the Internet because it is awash with things it thinks we need to live happier, healthier and more productive lives. Plus, it knows the secret to six-pack abs in less than two weeks.

What could be better than that?

And more and more when I hop on the Web, I’m bombarded with all sorts of these challenges, health and fitness tips and advice columns – some legitimate and some questionable – that promise to turn me into better versions of myself … with rockin’ abs!

I’ll take a helping of that, please.

Name your topic or area of need and you’ll find it:

“13 tips to have more willpower.”

“The 7 most important exercises for men over 40.”

“Kettlebell shoulder workouts to explode your conditioning.”

“How to write advice columns with no expertise or first-hand knowledge about what kettlebells are or why you want them to explode your shoulders.”

2021 Nutshells, Family, Holidays

Christmas shopping early this year … for me!

December 4, 2021 No Comments

I’ve always been a last-minute gift shopper. The kind of person who goes down to the wire. Like the dawn of Christmas is cracking over the horizon and I’m out in the shed trying to build my own 4K flatscreen TV because I waited too long to order it.

“The picture’s a little fuzzy, but that’s just WIFI issues,” I tell my family as I hang a piece of hastily cut and crudely painted plywood on the living room wall. “Just wait and you’ll see the colors pop!”

But this year, I’m taking no chances. I’m heeding the advice of experts, analysts and retailers who say that you can’t wait to do your shopping. A host of supply-chain and shipping issues combined with parts shortages and climbing prices have managed to make things we want more scarce, and more expensive.

Shoot, even if you’re giving the latest in high-tech toiler paper, you might be … well … something out-of-luck.

So, I’m pre-empting my procrastination and getting on the ball. I’m buying everything I can right away. Asking for ideas early, and placing orders left and right. Box-after-box of gifts are thrown over my fence. I have a cardboard fort of delivery items stacked up in my front room. I have no idea what most of them are. My keyboard keys and mouse were flying so fast, and I was just buying at random. Anything that popped up on my screen.

And I fear I’ve taken it too far.

2021 Nutshells, Holidays

Thanksgivers dish out some gratitude

November 25, 2021 No Comments

Sometimes we lose sight of how important Thanksgiving truly is. Caught up in the turkey or the parades or the standing in lines to buy ridiculously cheap flat-screen TVs, we forget about the need to give thanks and show gratitude. I know I do, and it’s why I need to stop and remind myself what the spirit of the holiday is all about. So, this week I thought I would take the time to show thanks for everything I’m appreciative of:

• I’m thankful for special, un-planned house repairs. Especially the ones that pop-up right before major holidays and demand emergency attention because people are coming in a matter of days. Like when some critters not only figured out how to get back into my attic, but also that it would be really funny to chew their way into some ductwork. Imagine their surprise when they discovered I don’t actually keep food in there. And imagine my surprise when I discovered the little pile of insulation beneath an AC duct caused by disappointed critters. That I would need to climb up there to do some varmint-proofing and ductwork-replacing so my guests don’t find their turkey and stuffing seasoned with a sprinkle of pink insulation. Oh, the joys of old-house living. For that, I give thanks.

• I’m thankful that when I told myself years ago, “You know, you should really clear out all this junk in the attic in case there’s an emergency repair needed to prevent familial humiliation right before a major holiday,” that I didn’t listen to myself. That I poo-poo-ed it. That I thought, “Yeah, like that will ever happen!” and just left all that junk piled up so present-day me would have to cart it out before I can even locate the ducts.

2021 Nutshells, Animals, Family

What a porch cat can teach you about appreciating life

November 17, 2021 No Comments

It’s a bit emptier in the house. Losing a pet is like that. Even a pet you didn’t mean to have. Especially those. Like the old man porch cat named Sunburst who had trickled into our lives. Eventually, he also trickled off our front porch and onto the wicker Ottoman we kept in the dining room. There he would curl up like a loaf of bread, watching all the craziness around him.

Our house is always crazy. A hive of activity. Like rush hour at Grand Central. Running. Screaming. Unintelligible PA announcements about boarding trains or getting ready for school. A flurry. An unending bustle. A panic and a whirlwind.

This cat was fascinated by it. He watched it all – these fish in their bowl. Going about their multi-tasking and manic lives. “Don’t they see there’s a perfectly warm Ottoman here?” he seemed to say. “Why don’t they just kick back with me?”

That was the look on his little critter face: Content. Grateful. Always at peace.

Lucky bugger, right up to the end.

2021 Nutshells, Family, Florida, Travel

An uncharted, never-ending Florida adventure with Uncle Scott

November 14, 2021 No Comments

The text message thread is the modern-day equivalent of a ship’s log – a break-down of everything that happens as you record information, offer updates and make cries for help. It can capture moments in time, like when your dad comes up and your brother plots an elaborate, meandering adventure to see a number of “historical” outdoor sights … the same weekend a Nor’easter roars in with King Tides and the lowest temperatures of the year. Outdoors? Yeah, makes sense! And off you troop, against common sense, with his 8-year-old son and your 15-year-old daughter. Your wife is back at base camp getting regular reports … and wondering when she should send out the search party. Here is a word-for-word transcript of that ill-fated adventure:

Me: We have made it to Flagler Beach. Crossed flooding, traveled through heavy winds and rain, and almost lost a man to a gas station donut that must have been 3 months old. We’re now looking at crashing waves on the beach. Not sure what our plan is. We may go to Ponce Inlet Lighthouse and then see some Native American shell mounds.

Nancy: WHAT?!!! I thought you were going to a museum because the weather was so bad and it was inside?

Me: Yes. My brother, it turns out, is a raging liar. That was his ploy to get us out in the middle of a Nor’easter. He should probably run a con-man shell game. He would make gobs of money. I may have to go. His son’s jacket puffed up in the wind and he’s being blown over the dunes like a kite.

2021 Nutshells, Coronavirus, Health, Marriage

The COVID booster says, ‘listen to your wife’

November 5, 2021 No Comments

When will I learn to listen? Not only recognize when wisdom presents itself to me, but also to learn from it. Act upon it.

And when my wife tells me something, just dang-well do it!

Example A: My recent COVID booster shot. It wasn’t getting the shot that was the issue. That was no problem, and I did it of my own free will. When I learned that anyone who had received Johnson and Johnson’s vaccine more than 2 months ago was eligible not only for a booster, but could now mix-and-match with the shot of their choosing, I did some research, settled on Moderna and went off to get my
jab.

Pat on the back. Nicely done. I’m all done …

Except for the advice given: “OK, now remember, you don’t know how your immune system will react afterward,” my wife said. “So, you need to drink lots of fluids, rest and take it easy.”

2021 Nutshells, Florida, Weather

Hurricane season dares us to take a breath

October 27, 2021 No Comments

Dare we breathe, fellow Floridians? Dare we tempt the fates and say it? No, don’t say it. Barely think it. Why bring on the meteorological jinx? All because we think we’ve dodged another hurricane season.

But it’s weird, isn’t it? It’s the end of October. There’s been nary a storm to threaten us all year, and we’re past the peak of the season. The tropics are quiet. There are no scary, swirling monsters spinning in the Atlantic or the Gulf. The weather is changing. Getting chillier. The tropical fuel tank is running low.

You still don’t want to tempt fate, though. Or let your guard down. Only fools act too early. Hurricane season runs through the end of November, after all.

And still, here I am starting to wonder if it’s time to ramp down some of my hurricane season “ramp-ups.” Some things like:

• Can I stop waking up early each morning and scanning the hurricane-geek Web sites? Running all the forecast models while my dog sits beside me with a look on her face that screams, “Feed me, weather nerd, or I’m hitting the kitty litter buffet-bar again!”

2021 Nutshells, Health, Parenthood and Children

Trying to be a better ‘meat’ eater

October 24, 2021 No Comments

“Hmm,” I said, the half-eaten meatball dangling from my fork. “It KIND of tastes like a meatball. Maybe one who is having an identity crisis. Or schizophrenic. Or maybe just mad at the world.”

“Yep,” my daughter agreed. She was probing her own meatball with her front teeth, nibbling off a little bit, like she wasn’t quite ready to fully commit. Or let her tongue touch it. “I would agree with that.”

“But the texture is not quite right. It’s kind of like … um … what is it? Oh, wet gym sock! That’s it.”

“Yep,” she replied. “I would agree with that.”

Nibble, nibble, nibble.

So went our first experiment with meat-less meatballs. The vegetarian – or maybe they were vegan? – meatballs. Balls of something that weren’t meat. Some kind of vegetable imposter trying to be meat. Compressed into a ball and told to impersonate Italian ground beef. Trick them. Get them to believe you are something else. Maybe give out a little “moo” once in a while.

Only, I wasn’t quite convinced.