I have achieved my life’s long dream. No, that’s not exactly true. My life’s long dream is to hike mountains all day long. Or to invent hip extenders, so pants sit on my waist better. Or to not have permanently stuffed-up sinuses.

Yeah. I go big!

So, if not my dream, I have achieved one of my long-simmering goals. Aspirations. White whales. Something I have been trying to achieve since pretty much the fall of the Roman empire. Always to fail. Always to come up short. Always to lose interest and try to come up with that hip extender thing.

But I have finally done it. I have become … a morning runner.

Because for most of my life I’ve been an afternoon runner. One of those people who comes home from work tired and thinks the idea of going for a run is second only to having a tree sloth clip your ingrown toenails. It’s also the time of day when the fridge calls to you and says in a sing-song fashion, “You know, I’ve got cold beer.” And you think, “Who needs willpower, good health or to be in shape? My shape is awesome. I’m kind of bulge-ie and pear-shaped. Like a modernist painting of a sack of potatoes! LET’S DRINK BEER!!!”

I have come to the conclusion that elections are like marathons: They force you to endure long stretches of misery and inflict interminable pain. This week I am testing that theory/cliché by running a marathon — the Rock ‘n Roll Marathon in Savannah, Ga. — just a couple days before the presidential election. Heaven help me! I do this knowing that the stress of the two within the same week could be too much for my poor body. I could spontaneously combust. I could go insane. I could vote for the green party or write-in “Bette Midler” for president. Nobody knows what will happen. But I endure it for you, America! I’ve found many similarities between running 26.2 miles and a presidential election, especially THIS election. For instance, feelings and emotions change over time. When I signed up for the marathon all those months ago, I was giddy, excited and full of optimism. Four months later I am racked with uncertainty, self-doubt, fear and the sense that I have made a horrible mistake. (Plus, I could lose some toenails in the process!)