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2021 Nutshells, Family, Parenthood and Children

A different kind of dad this Father’s Day

June 16, 2021 No Comments

There’s an odd book sitting on our side table. It’s not like the other books. The biography of Hamilton. The science fiction tomes. The light and breezy books on financial planning. So comical and perfect for a day at the beach.

This one has a whole different feel to it. Its own vibe or mood. Truthfully, it seems like it’s from some kind of parallel universe. Somewhere alien and un-relateable, as if written in an entirely different language. Kind of dark and foreboding.

It has a word in it that causes heart palpitations and intestinal backflips every time I read it: College.

Which is a little funny considering the fact that I work and teach at a college. Rather love the place. The idea behind it and all that it means. A place of learning. Of higher thinking. Of pushing your level of knowledge and critical thinking as you set a career path and figure out who you are. Oh, and beer pong! Plus, gluing your sheet to the ceiling of your dorm room for no better reason than: a) you have a sheet, b) there is a ceiling, and c) … beer pong!

2021 Nutshells, Family, Getting old ... er ... older

The king of absent-minded forgets … wait, what was it again?

June 3, 2021 No Comments

I feel like I am forgetting something … Oh yeah, to write this column! Dangit!

Almost forgot.

I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Or if not a lot, at least more often. Forgetting things. Being absent-minded. Not remembering … wait … what was I doing? Dangit! This column … right.

Anyway, it seems to be more common these days. Happening more often.

Sometimes it’s little things. Like leaving the toaster on. Or forgetting to put the cap back on the milk.

There was a green plastic cap sitting on the counter. I saw this and did what comes naturally to most family men in the household: blamed everyone else.

“Hey y’all, anyone know where this cap goes?” I said. “Because clearly it goes to something. Because caps don’t exist in nature all by themselves. And clearly it was one of you because I am infallible, recognize the value of ‘cap management’ and never leave anything out rather than putting it back in its rightful place where it is ‘capping’ something. So, yeah, who did it?”

2021 Nutshells, Family, Florida, Travel

A Florida camping expedition beset by dust and sink holes

May 27, 2021 No Comments

Dusty tent? De-dusted. Vehicle? Three-inch crust of dirt chipped loose with industrial chisels and diamond-coated scrapers. Body? Soaped, scrubbed and exfoliated. But … still needs another 18 or 19 full washes, plus a professional-grade pressure washing. All to get the layers of grime, bug spray, sweat, dirt and other varieties of filth completely off.

And that was just from one night of camping.

What would it have been with two?!?

This was our big family camping excursion. The one my daughter has been asking to go on. The one my brother signed us up for, along with his wife, 7-year-old nephew and my dad. Dragged us all out to a Central Florida state park along a river with water the color of bad coffee. He picked it special because it’s also known for ensuring you get to see more dust than water.

2021 Nutshells, Family, Holidays, Marriage, Parenthood and Children

Pulling off the almost-perfect Mother’s Day

May 13, 2021 No Comments

How to make a perfect Mother’s Day? It’s all in the preparation. And the technique. And knowing not to say things to your wife like, “Wait, why do I have to do everything? You’re daughter’s the one you gave birth to! Why isn’t she doing the dishes?” Well, maybe not perfect. But here’s a look at how we pulled off the almost-perfect Mother’s Day this year in case you’re taking notes for future years:

• Be careful what you buy. For instance, my daughter came up with a great idea she saw online: A facial jade roller and skin massager. It sounded wonderful. Relaxes and soothes your face. Rolls across the skin, nourishing and replenishing your cells. Reduces line and wrinkles. WAIT!!! What?!? “Oh heck no!” I told her. “We can’t buy your mother something that is supposed to reduce wrinkles. That’s signing our own death warrant.” My daughter pointed out that she doesn’t have any wrinkles, and that it’s just something relaxing. But I wasn’t about to ruin Mother’s Day with a, “Hey, just in case you get some bags under your eyes, here’s a jade roller!” We would both be sleeping with the chickens.

• When your 15-year-old daughter yells from across the house, “Mom? Mom! MOM!!!” smile and say, “Isn’t it just the sweetest sound? Really captures the spirit of the day, and the wonders of being a mother, doesn’t it? I bet you’re SOOOO thankful right now.”

2021 Nutshells, Family, Travel

Summer planning and the family camping trip

May 5, 2021 No Comments

It’s May. That means it’s officially time for summer trip planning. When you get vacation on the brain. When all you think about is bending the laws of physics so you can fit 32 tons of luggage into a vehicle cargo area that can barely hold three grocery bags.

We have all manner of things planned to keep a travel-planning nut like me busy. But first up this month is something I got talked into: a camping trip with family.

This combines two things I don’t like to do when I travel: camp OR go with family.

I know that sounds terrible. Because millions of people love to camp. But it just hasn’t been my thing in a long while. And family are great, but when I travel, I really just like to go with my wife and daughter. Maybe the dog.

Extended family are wildcards. They make a neurotic planner like me – who is into controlled situations, precise itineraries and low-drama – shutter at the unknowns and variables.

2021 Nutshells, Family, Getting old ... er ... older, Health

A little back pain solved by listening to mom

April 21, 2021 No Comments

I am the type of person who misinterprets things. This is especially true when it comes to health. This means that when I feel a small twinge of something in my back, I automatically assume the worst. One of three things usually: 1) Kidney failure, 2) untreatable cancer, or 3) proof that aliens abducted me, inserted some kind of tracking device and it’s now causing both kidney failure AND untreatable cancer.

The triple whammy!

They didn’t mean to do it, I should add. They thought they were tagging me like a bear for research. But it turns out that thanks to an online bargain, they got some cheap, knock-off trackers made with toxic materials. And this is the result.

Yes, my hypochondriac imagination does get a bit elaborate.

What I do NOT think is that maybe I just tweaked a muscle. Or that maybe something simpler, or more realistic, is at play.

This was the state of me recently. Back hurting. Frantic updates made to my will. Wondering which court had jurisdiction when my family goes to sue the extraterrestrials.

2021 Nutshells, Animals, Family, Getting old ... er ... older

The home for ever-aging critters

April 14, 2021 No Comments

Suddenly, I feel I am running a house for elderly critters. Varmints who are getting up there in years. Reaching their senior moments. Getting all geriatric on me. Demanding the early-bird buffet.

I’m not sure what to make of it all.

Our dog, Lily, must be about 10 years old. She’s starting to show gray in her muzzle. She doesn’t act old, or seem her age. But there are little hints that it’s coming. That she isn’t the young pup she used to be.

The cat, Sunburst, is a reformed stray who is pretty ancient. We don’t know his exact age, but it must be up there. When we asked the vet, they offered to carbon date his one good tooth. That means they know he’s pretty old. Our best guess is he comes from the Paleolithic era. But he seems to be managing just fine, old fella’ that he is. He tells too many stories about the Civil War, but other than that – and a wobbly walk like he’s been drinking rum – he isn’t any worse for the wear.

2021 Nutshells, Family, Florida, Parenthood and Children

A new driver dodging and weaving through downtown streets

April 7, 2021 No Comments

The wait is over. The day has arrived. Anticipation has given way to reality. It has all come to fruition.

The kid has a license to drive.

The kid. The child! The wee little one … who isn’t so little. They permitted her. The state, in all their wisdom, noted that she was 15. Made her complete a course on alcohol and drugs. Required her to study a manual about driving – hands at 10 and 2 on the wheel, don’t run over small animals on purpose and all that – and then quizzed her on it. She passed it, of course. And then they checked her eyesight – she could generally tell the difference between a “B” and a “D” – and gave her a learner’s permit.

A license to drive!

It comes with some restrictions. The main one is that she must be accompanied by a licensed driver in the front passenger seat of the car at all times.

The FRONT passenger seat!

2021 Nutshells, Family, Getting old ... er ... older, Houses, yards and projects, Marriage

How to spend an anniversary the romantic way

March 22, 2021 No Comments

Boy, nothing says, “Happy Anniversary!” like spending the day prepping the outside of your house to be pressure washed.

Yay romance!

We sure know how to do it up right. Moving garbage cans. Carrying off potted plants. Trying to figure out why every stick my daughter brought home from vacations is stacked up on our front porch. Along with every stone, every shell, every rock and what may be either a large chunk of coal or something way more toxic. Either way, it could use a pressure wash. We left that outside, then went about shuffling and moving before relocating a platoon of cold-stunned lizards who couldn’t believe we had the audacity to uproot their lives.

“Can’t you just celebrate an anniversary like normal people?!?” they seemed to say.

No, actually I don’t think we can.

It was the luck of the scheduling. How you never think about how much there is to get ready for a house project when you schedule it, or that it might leave the bulk of the work for a big day.

Whoops!

2021 Nutshells, Childhood, Family, Getting old ... er ... older, Parenthood and Children

Childhood memories of dirty hands and grass-stained knees

March 9, 2021 No Comments

Nothing reminds you of your own childhood like watching a 7-year-old boy topple headfirst into a bed of ferns and filth.

And the sound of his father screaming across the backyard, “Striker! What did I tell you about being in the dirt?!?”

The child popped up like a groundhog, ferns and filth dripping from him.

Ah, to be a kid again.

This child is my nephew, Striker. His father is my younger brother, Scott.

This was at least the 75th time my brother had barked: “Striker! What did I tell you about being in the dirt?!?”

Now the boy had been summoned for a talk. The 75th time.