Commencing post-trip re-adjustment phase. Re-acclimation in T-minus 10 minutes. Must clean house. Must get back on a schedule. Must remember that to make money, you can’t sit around in a café all day drinking espresso.

Damn you, real life!

It’s been about a week since our little family returned from our two-week journey to Europe. So amazing! We survived canceled flights, crazy airports, Dutch taxis, Dutch bikes, the French language, jet lag and maybe the toughest of all, the line to get a photo with the Mona Lisa.

But as with all great trips, they eventually come to an end and you return home. To real life and the world you left behind. Where there are routines to remember and houses to clean. Clothes to unpack and a host of other things that make you wonder, “Why did we ever come back? Why didn’t we just join a circus troupe and live the rest of our lives as traveling carnies?!?”

I’m certain I could be successful as an artisan cotton candy maker.

Anyway, it’s over and we’re all home trying to get back into the swing of things.

London. Paris. Amsterdam. A two-week adventure. Shows on the West end. Wandering the winding roads of bohemian Montmartre. Boating on the canals. And stroopwafels! Still journeying. Still exploring. So here are some random thoughts on my family’s summer adventure abroad.

• In Amsterdam, death by bicycle is a real thing. You may have heard that the Dutch love their bikes. What you may not know is that there are more than 800,000 bikes in the city and a population of only about 700,000. What this means is that 100,000 of those bikes are out there riding themselves. No human operators! Which is why you have to be so careful. Everywhere you go there are bikes. Zipping along the bike lanes like cruise missiles. We hide in the bushes watching for them. When we see the coast is clear, we dart across the road and dive into another bush. You never know when an un-piloted bike might be coming for you.

This summer could see travel return to pre-pandemic levels as we Americans swarm out into the unknowns. We’re looking to rediscover the open roads, the open skies, the open cruise ships, and how to go viral by getting attacked while feeding a chipmunk in a national park.

This pent-up travel demand means a lot of people are out of practice, and might need some refreshers on how to make the most of their journeys, or even how to do them. Yes, you will need more than one peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a change of undergarments. Which brings me to today’s topic: Packing! It won’t be enough just to figure out how to out-navigate the hordes of zombie travelers. You also need to out-pack them. So, I’m here to offer friendly travel hacks from research I’ve done and experience I’ve gleaned during my own preparations:

• Be prepared: Amelia Earhart once said, “Preparation … is rightly two-thirds of any venture.” Unfortunately, she was lost over the Pacific shortly after, so maybe this was a bad quote to use. Instead, I will give you Abraham Lincoln: “Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.” This is much better. Except … who gives someone 6 hours to chop down a tree? And would it really take 4 hours to sharpen that axe? I could do that in 20 minutes. Anyway, the point is made. I would add to this that no matter how much you plan and prepare, you are still bound to forget your underwear or your wife’s suitcase because you thought it wise to sit down and watch a soccer game. Dummy!

Maybe you’ve seen them: The horror stories about summer travel. Long, excruciating security lines at the airport – some stretching farther than your intended trip. Gas prices that will make even backing out of your driveway cost-prohibitive. Rising expenses on everything from hotels to the cost of trail mix. (Hey, you can’t have summer without trail mix!!!)

Well, there’s good news: You and 3 trillion other people will be exactly the same boat this summer. All jetting, driving or cruising off at the same time in search of tranquility and fun. Isn’t that a welcome comfort? And thanks to all of my studious research and expert advice, I have a few tips that are guaranteed to make your summer affordable and memorable. Or at least survivable.

• Gas prices: Griping about the high cost of gas will not accomplish anything. No, I mean I get it. It’s crazy high and completely outrageous. I feel your pain. But you need to redirect that anger and frustration into something more positive. For instance, instead of screaming, “I’m literally burning money!”, maybe instead make it a conversation starter with your family. Say to them, “Gee, did you realize we are literally burning the organic material that once thrived upon this planet millions of years ago? The money we’re wasting on this agonizing trip is actually historic, and kind of cool, right?” And if, by chance, you are spending $35,000 to drive somewhere to see the fossilized remains of dinosaurs, even more exciting! Your entire family will love it … as you go bankrupt.