2019 Nutshells, Florida, Getting old ... er ... older, Parenthood and Children

A day at the beach, and remembering to appreciate the little things

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“Hey, take a moment to look around at all these people,” I told my daughter. “See them?”

“You mean all these pale, pasty, semi-translucent people?” she asked, gazing at the beachgoers around us. They were mostly tourists. It was President’s Day. Un-seasonably warm. And the beach was hoppin’ with out-of-towners, all keen on turning their skin lollipop red. You could tell they weren’t Floridians because they tromped into the freezing, glacial-like water without screaming as if their skin was being burned off by acid.

“Yes … these people,” I said. “Take a moment and think about how they have worked and saved and planned for months to come here to enjoy a day at the beach, maybe the only time they will see something like this.”

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2019 Nutshells, Getting old ... er ... older

The ‘What in the world was I thinking?’ quiz

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On the verge of my 46th birthday, as I ponder the meaning of time, and more importantly, whether I’m wasting vast gobs of it on ridiculous and absurd endeavors, I have developed a self-help quiz that I like to call: What in the world was I thinking? It goes like this:

• … when I ordered a book on Alexander Hamilton that is as thick as a concrete block … and almost as heavy. I got another book on the great (wait, who was he again?) Founding Father for Christmas, but when I sat down to read it the other night, I realized it was more of a “Hamilton for Dummies” version. Seeing as how I might be a dummy, but don’t like to admit it in public, I snapped the book shut in disgust and said aloud, “This simply will NOT do!” Then I ordered the authoritative, gold standard version … which just so happens to be 7-feet-tall and required two large men to deliver through my door. To turn a page, I stand on a step ladder and use a slightly damp mop to flip from the far edge. What in the world was I thinking? (And do I secretly go back and read the Dummies version?)

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2019 Nutshells, Family, Houses, yards and projects

Kitchen projects and volcanic family interactions

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I think of myself as a mellow guy. Pretty calm and polite. Not a hot-head. Someone who tries to be patient and understanding. And when I see my doctor every year, never once has he questioned my sanity or worried about my mental stability.

Which is why I can’t figure out why, when I’m around family, I absolutely lose my mind and turn into a sputtering volcano of acid and fiery … volcano nuggets? (I don’t know, what do volcanoes spit out?)

But what is it about family that makes relatively mild-mannered, easy-going people crazy? That we turn into monstrous versions of ourselves? That we lose all patience and say things that we will inevitably regret? Like this: “MOM!!! I’m gonna’ take a moment to go outside and spit!”

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2019 Nutshells, Florida, Weather

Florida winters, frozen friends and emails about the polar vortex

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To all of my Northern friends, I do apologize that it is so cold up there. Like really cold. Thanks to the polar vortex, I hear it has been like minus-75 degrees cold. That’s cold! And I’m sorry that I live in Florida, where it’s also cold. But not that cold. In fact, nowhere near that cold. But I find it cold. Sorry! I’m from Tampa … 82 degrees is cold for me. Anyway, friends, I feel for you. You’re in my thoughts … but can you please refrain from sending me angry emails that go something like this:

Dear Brian, How are you … you warm Floridian [lots of foul language I can’t repeat here because of the children]? I bet you’re at the beach right now, sipping a margarita, LAUGHING at us! Aren’t you? Laugh it up, Florida boy! Do you know what it’s like up here?!? It’s 165-below-zero … before you factor in the windchill. Then it’s minus 1,600 degrees. Ice literally implodes at the temperature. My cat is so mad. He hasn’t been out in 2 weeks.

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2019 Nutshells, Family, Parenthood and Children

How to survive a teenage slumber party

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Part of my mission in this column is to help you, the loyal reader, better navigate the tricky twists and turns that is this life we live. So this week I will provide tips on how to survive a teenage slumber party. My daughter, who turned 13 last month, just had one and I learned some very important lessons:
• Invest in a good pair of noise-cancelling headphones. It is the only hope you have of getting sleep.
• Don’t worry about setting a “lights out” rule. In fact, don’t worry about setting any rules. None of them will be followed, and inevitably the whole group will stay up until 3 a.m., eat pizza on the sofa and quite possibly order $1,000 worth of (insert something ridiculous and unnecessary here) on the Internet.

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2019 Nutshells, Health

Making sense of the disappearing flu trick

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You know that feeling when you’re about to sneeze, but something happens and POOF! Your sneeze is gone. I mean, it’s not totally gone. You look around. You feel your pockets. You know it’s still there because, man, it was coming! And you can still feel it. Somewhere. Deep inside you. Just waiting to erupt. You don’t know where it went – your left kidney? Drinking beer with that sock that went missing weeks ago? (They’re in cahoots!) But you DO know that it’s lurking, building strength, and just waiting to emerge at exactly the wrong time … like when you’re carrying soup or about to kiss a baby.

Sneaky, little sneeze!

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2019 Nutshells, Childhood, Getting old ... er ... older, Parenthood and Children

A number capable of striking fear: 13!

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Thirteen has always been viewed with disdain and fear. There are lots of reasons why. Some say it all began with Judas. The disciple who betrayed Jesus was the 13th person to arrive at the Last Supper. Before that, it was the tricky little god Loki who showed up 13th at an exclusive dinner party of gods, forgetting to bring a hostess gift and creating all kinds of mayhem.

Today, whole buildings are constructed without 13th floors. Think of that! Can you imagine the physics and engineering behind creating a building that can defy gravity by leaving out an entire floor?!? It’s incredible!

Whenever Friday the 13th comes around, it sends us into a panic, and we have never looked at a hockey mask the same way again.

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2019 Nutshells, Holidays

A frozen-up fridge and new year prospects

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I still don’t know what to make of it: Fitting end to a hectic year, or an omen of what’s to come for 2019? Geez, universe, couldn’t you be a little more clear?

Or less cruel?!?

It happened on New Year’s Eve, as I finished cooking for my wife and daughter. Nothing too elaborate – a pork loin braised in milk, Italian-style. All was going according to plan – the timing, the smells, the taste. Right how I wanted it. In my mind, the perfect night.

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2018 Nutshells, Holidays

A few ruminations on Christmas

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Another Christmas has passed, and what a wonderful and festive holiday it was, filled with merriment and cheer, and enough family to drive a 20-million-year-old boulder crazy.

So, it’s time to pause and take a moment to remember this Christmas with a little rumination about what it all meant:
• Glitter should be banned by the Geneva Convention. Some will criticize me and say there are bigger problems in the world, but I would argue they haven’t seen my sofa after a couple rounds of opening Christmas presents in the living room. Every time I get up, my hindquarters sparkle so much they can be viewed from low-level orbit. My wife read an article that said our fascination with glitter harks back to our love of the open water and its glimmering surface. Hey, if I need a glimpse of that, I’ll go to the kitchen tap and pour myself a glass.

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