Thirteen years. In 13 years, I figure I will have a freshly-painted porch. By that time, I also figure it will be a termite-eaten, water-rotted, sagging, splintering mess. Ready for replacement. But it will be done. Re-painted. A beautiful thing when hauled to the dump. It will take another 13 years to get to that point. That is what I figure.

It’s all thanks to the porch cat.

There is only one now. There had been two. Both were already up there in years when we adopted them from down the street. A duo. A pair that never went anywhere without the other one. Sunburst is the older male – a nick in his ear forever designating him as a former feral cat. He has only three teeth in his mouth and he’s completely deaf. Not likely to win any kitty pageants, but sweet as can be.

Teagrass was the ailing female who started losing weight dramatically and had just gone on thyroid pills. She must have been 16 years or older. One morning a month or so ago she came home, sat on the kitchen floor without eating and just kind of alerted the world to her presence. It was like she wanted to say hello … or maybe goodbye. Afterward, she wandered off and we never saw her again.

I swore I would never have one in my house. Never again. Not after what I went through as a kid. All the allergy problems. All the sinus problems. The itchy, watery eyes. The sneezing. The constant runny nose and general feeling of breathing sand spurs.

Cats! I swore I would never have one, and if for some unexplainable reason I did, I would definitely never have one IN my house.

I’m allergic to cats, and yet as a kid grew up with several indoor critters who made sure that heavy, red bags hung beneath my eyes. Teachers used to ask if I had been sniffing industrial strength solvents.

When I went off to college, and the haze of the world seemed to clear up, I figured I was done with cats, especially indoors

And I made it almost 25 years … until last week.

Mornings used to be so peaceful. I would leisurely get up, stretch a little bit, joyfully stub my toed on the edge of the bed, make some coffee, sip it in total relaxation while reading the paper.

My mornings were glorious.

Then I came down with a case of the porch cats. An affliction known to the scientific community as porchcatitis, with symptoms that can be as serious as pulling out your hair, general screaming, uncontrollable twitching, the urge to gnaw on pressure-treated wood, and most definitely, ruining your morning.

Mornings are no longer peaceful.

Because porch cats, like all cats, are finnicky and fussy. These two have already forgotten they were practically homeless just a couple months ago when we unofficially adopted them. Gave them land rights to our porch.

So, let’s just get something straight you two: YOU’RE PORCH CATS!!!

By definition, that means you live on my porch. That means I have ceded a little bit of my territory – my land, my homestead, the property that I pay a mortgage on every month – to your furry little behinds. Out of the goodness of my heart. As repayment to my wonderful neighbor down the street, who we lost last year. Your previous owner. A terrific woman. And because of that, we let you migrate down the block and take up residence here, on our porch.

But here’s what I’m trying to explain to you … it comes with responsibilities! Certain guidelines. You don’t just get to live here rent free. (Well, that’s not exactly true … you ARE living here “rent free.” In fact, I’m losing money on the deal! Which brings me back to my point …) You two might be pleasant, enjoyable and awfully sweet, but you need to accept a couple of rules that I’m laying down.

For starters, throwing up on the porch – your home!!! – is strictly forbidden. I mean, this should go without saying. Why would you even do that?!? There is a whole huge yard out there where you can do frankly whatever you want. Why do it here? Where people walk! Because, here’s the thing: We don’t always look where we are stepping. Especially when it’s early morning. A little dark out. And I just want to get the newspaper. See where I’m going with this? You think that’s a pleasant morning greeting?